T _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yes, they were welcomed into the world on the same day, my oldest at 8:28am, my baby boy at 8:29am and my lil' bit at 8:30am. Something about using that word though, has always seemed off, when I'm talking about my babies. You know that word? The one that clumps them into a group. Makes Them seem that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I guess it's an easy way to Refer to them. It doesn't take their Individuality into account though. Perhaps, people would feel the same way I do if they knew that A hates touching cold fruit, but that M can shove 3 Peach halves into his mouth at once and that S Loves nothing better than finishing up her mandarin oranges by dumping the juice on the table, using it as finger paints and running her hands through her hair. Or that A puckers her lips to kiss, S offers you a cheek and M often sneaks up behind you to throw his arms around your neck and plants a juicy one on your Ear. Thank God for differences. Synergy be damned.

How did we get here?

An email to my oak, dated June 1, 2006 . . .

"This last year has challenged my deepest beliefs . . . that bad things don't happen to good people, that life makes sense, that we have control over what happens. I wish I could be more like you and admit to the difficulty and sadness of this situation, without being overwhelmed by it. I’m trying, I really am.

But when you want to be a mom so badly that it consumes your every thought, even the act of breathing can feel like a little too much effort sometimes. My body, heart and mind are tired and it’s frustrating because I just want to feel like myself again. There really aren't words to explain to another person what that feeling is like.

I wish I could make you believe that I know my life with you will be wonderful, no matter what blessings we may or may not receive. Our love has grown big enough to fill an eternity. But there will always be a teeny hole in my heart that only making macaroni art, reading “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”, dropping our baby off at school for the first time, teaching them to not be scared of roller coasters (like their mom is), etc., will fill. I know you don’t feel this same way (and that’s ok) but I felt like a mommy from the first time I saw those 2 little lines, and having that ripped away from me 3 times feels like I’ve been fired from the only job I KNOW I was meant to have.

I understand that sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always get what we want when we want while we watch blessings just seem to fall into the laps of people who don't even ask. But it’s our turn.

Love always and all ways,
A"

You know what's amazing to me? I hadn't reread that email until today. And yet, the theme of the Fruit Salad's 1st birthday party was "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". I guess that book means more to me than I know.