Monday, March 16, 2009

How did we get here?

An email to my oak, dated June 1, 2006 . . .

"This last year has challenged my deepest beliefs . . . that bad things don't happen to good people, that life makes sense, that we have control over what happens. I wish I could be more like you and admit to the difficulty and sadness of this situation, without being overwhelmed by it. I’m trying, I really am.

But when you want to be a mom so badly that it consumes your every thought, even the act of breathing can feel like a little too much effort sometimes. My body, heart and mind are tired and it’s frustrating because I just want to feel like myself again. There really aren't words to explain to another person what that feeling is like.

I wish I could make you believe that I know my life with you will be wonderful, no matter what blessings we may or may not receive. Our love has grown big enough to fill an eternity. But there will always be a teeny hole in my heart that only making macaroni art, reading “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”, dropping our baby off at school for the first time, teaching them to not be scared of roller coasters (like their mom is), etc., will fill. I know you don’t feel this same way (and that’s ok) but I felt like a mommy from the first time I saw those 2 little lines, and having that ripped away from me 3 times feels like I’ve been fired from the only job I KNOW I was meant to have.

I understand that sometimes life is very hard, and we don't always get what we want when we want while we watch blessings just seem to fall into the laps of people who don't even ask. But it’s our turn.

Love always and all ways,

You know what's amazing to me? I hadn't reread that email until today. And yet, the theme of the Fruit Salad's 1st birthday party was "The Very Hungry Caterpillar". I guess that book means more to me than I know.


  1. stop freaking making me cry!!! :)

    you are a beautiful writer, my friend.

    I am beyond excited you started this blog!!

    AND I'm your first comment. how cool am I? :)

  2. Wow...I know your story but it still melts my heart to know you are a mom and a wonderful one at that. How lucky the salad is to have you! I am so glad you started this...i can't wait to read your journey from now on!